There have been points in my life were I feel like I'm a outsider in my own family. I sit back and watch the way my Children and my Husband interact and feel like there is this great wall that keeps me from being part of it. Even when I do try I just can't surmount the gap that keeps them and I apart.
Tonight was one of those times. I watched as they played and when I tried to join in I was rebuffed for my attempt. I understand why logically, but when a child of 18 who you taught to RP tell you to stop meda gaming it really hurts.
I then backed off and removed myself from the game feeling hurt and unsupported by my Husband who was the GM because we had discussed this plot point and when my son made the comment My husband didn't intervene and tell him that this was a plot point that we had already discussed. Instead he just let it happen and continued on with the scene as if nothing had happened. So then latter when my son interjected a npc into the game out of nowhere and the scene was played out with the npc, I lost my temper.
The whole night anything I tried to do was ignored or pushed to the side, so by the time this all happened I as already feeling as if I was a non player.
See, what makes this really hurt is that I have very little interaction outside of our home, Partly my own fault partly economics, and partly my nature,(I'm not very good at making new friends, its scary and makes me very uneasy) So my life as it is has been built around the few friends I do have and my Family. So when one of those two very small groups seems to not need me I get very sad, and lash out with the hurt I'm feeling.
This makes the wall I feel seem that much thicker and my feel of isolationism even worse. I tried to explain to my husband how and why I was feeling what I was feeling and how his silents ( his way of trying to avoid an argument as he put it) just made it worse since it felt to me as if he was agreeing with what had been said.
I then tried to explain to both of the children why I had exploded and again felt as if my words were failing me. As if I was a true outsider in my own family. I know they feel bad that they inadvertently hurt me, but that they really don't get what they did in the first place. The 3 have such a wonderful rep-or and have built it up even stronger over the last year by RPing in an out of home game that I am not involved in. That I deliberately did not join since it was suppose to be my daughters game with some friends. Then My husband who was driving her to and from the game joined and about 9 months ago our son then joined. So they have their little gaming group without me, and they each have other activities that I am not part of nor do I choose to be part of since this is something for them that I don't feel i have a right or a place to be part of.
And what do I have, nothing. My best friend moved away, and I no longer work and the couple of things I have tried to get involved in have for the most part fizzled. I'm hoping that once we move I will meet some new people and maybe make some new friends, but that is something for the future and is not something that can help the situation at hand or how i feel right now.
That is why I am writing this all down here in my blog. I need to vent to let the hurt out and to feel falsely perhaps that someone is reading this and knows how I feel. How very alone and isolated life can sometimes be, and how very old it can make you feel.
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